President Skroob: "What's the combination?"
Colonel Sandurz (George Wyner): "1-2-3-4-5."
Skroob: "1-2-3-4-5?"
Sandurz: "Yes."
Skroob: "That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!"

Ape 1: "Dear me. What are those things coming out of her nose?"
Ape 2: "Spaceballs?"
Ape 1: "Oh sh**. There goes the planet."

Dark Helmet: "Careful you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it!"
Laser Gunner: "Sorry sir. Doing my best."
Dark Helmet: "Who made that man a gunner?"
Major A**hole: "I did sir. He's my cousin."
Dark Helmet: "Who is he?"
Colonel Sandurz: "He's an a**hole, sir."
Dark Helmet: "I know that. What's his name?"
Colonel: "That is his name, sir. A**hole, Major A**hole."
Dark Helmet: "And his cousin?"
Colonel: "He's an a**hole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip A**hole."
Dark Helmet: "How many a**holes we got on this ship anyhow?"
Crew: [sound of entire crew jumping to their feet] "Yo!"
Dark Helmet: "I knew it. I'm surrounded by a**holes! ... Keep firing, a**holes!"

President Skroob: "I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?"
Commanderette Zircon: "Oh yes sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful."

Dark Helmet: "Come back you fat bearded bi***!"

Dark Helmet: "Say goodbye to your two best friends. And I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago."

President Skroob: "Why didn't somebody tell me my a** was so big?!"

Lone Star (Bill Pulman): "Uh oh. Here comes the Bad Year Blimp!"

Dark Helmet: "My brains are going into my feet!"

Colonel Sandurz: "Are you all right sir?"
Dark Helmet: "Fine. How have you been?"
Sandurz: "Fine sir."
Dark Helmet: "Good."
Sandurz: "It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet."
Dark Helmet: "Yeah."
Sandurz: "What should we do now, sir?"
Dark Helmet: "Well, are we stopped?"
Sandurz: "We're stopped, sir."
Dark Helmet: "Good. Well why don't we take a five minute break."
Sandurz: "Very good sir."
Dark Helmet: "Smoke if you got 'em." [sound of Dark Helmet falling over]

[sound of breathing] Dark Helmet: "I can't breathe in this thing!"

Colonel Sandurz: "Sir, you better buckle up!"
Dark Helmet: "Ah, buckle this!"

Dot Matrix (voice: Joan Rivers): "Hey- stop looking up my can!"

Colonel Sandurz: "Prepare ship for light speed!"
Dark Helmet: "No no no, light speed is too slow."
Sandurz: "Light speed too slow?"
Dark Helmet: "Yes we're gonna have to go right to ... ludicrous speed."
Crew: "Huh?! Huh?!"
Sandurz: "Ludicrous speed? Sir we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if the ship can take it."
Dark Helmet: "What's the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?"

Dark Helmet: "I have always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that."
Colonel Sandurz: "Of course I do sir."
Dark Helmet: "Everybody knows that."
Entire Crew: "Of course we do sir!"

Dark Helmet: "What about you guys?"
Trooper: "We ain't found sh**."

[sound of alarm] Ship's Computer: "Thank you for pressing the self destruct button. This ship will self destruct in three minutes."

Ship's Computer: [accompanied by music] "This ship will self destruct in twenty seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button."

Lone Star: "Agh. Thank you."
Dinks: "D-D-Dink dink."
Lone Star: "Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?"

Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): "Princess Vespa. At last I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way i want to."
Dark Helmet (as Princess Vespa Doll): "No, no, please, leave me alone!"
Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): "No, you are mine!"
Dark Helmet (as Lone Star Doll): "Not so fast Helmet."
Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): "Lone Star."
Dark Helmet (as Lone Star Doll): "Yes it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi Honey."

Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): "Princess Vespa. At last we are alone."
Dark Helmet (as Princess Vespa Doll): "Oh, no, I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Leave me alone! Yet, I find you strangely attractive."
Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): "Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power, and I have both, and you know it."

Dark Helmet (as Princess Vespa Doll): "Oh, leave me alone!"
Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): "No, kiss me."
Dark Helmet (as Princess Vespa Doll): "No, no! Yes! No!"
Dark Helmet (as Dark Helmet Doll): "No!"
Dark Helmet (as Princess Vespa Doll): "Yes! No! Yes! [moaning] Ah oh oh uh oh. Oh, your helmet is so big!"
[sound of door being thrown open] Colonel Sandurz: "Lord Helmet!"
Dark Helmet: "What?"
Sandurz: "You're needed on the bridge sir!"
Dark Helmet: "Knock on my door! Knock next time!"
Sandurz: "Yes sir." Dark Helmet: "Did you see anything?"
Sandurz: "No sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again."
Dark Helmet: "Good!"

Princess Vespa: "I am Princess Vespa. Daughter of Roland, King of the Druids!"
Lone Star: "Mmm. That's all we needed. A Druish Princess."
Barf (John Candy): "Funny. She doesn't look Druish."

Dark Helmet: "If there's one thing I despise it is a fair fight."

Yogurt (Mel Brooks): "Spaceballs ... the Flamethrower! [sound of flamethrower] The kids love this one.!"

Princess Vespa: "Ah! Oh, oh." Dark Helmet: "Fooled you."

Dark Helmet: "Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."

Crew: "Hail Skroob!"

Princess Vespa (Daphne Zuniga): "Ah! My hair! He shot my hair! Bi***! [sound of wild laser fire] ... How's that?"
Lone Star: "Not bad."
Barf: "Not bad, for a girl."
Dot Matrix: "Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo."

Dark Helmet: "Bet she gives great helmet."

Lone Star: "On this ship you're to refer to me as 'idiot,' not 'you captain'!"

Officer: "Make way for Dark Helmet."
Colonel Sandurz: "All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet." [sound of marching and music]
[sound of breathing] Dark Helmet: "I can't breathe in this thing!"

Radar Technician: "Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be ... jammed!"
Dark Helmet: "Jammed. ... Raspberry."

Colonel Sandurz: "Let's get moving."
Troop Leader: "Yes sir. Prepare to move out."
Dark Helmet: "What are you preparing? You're always preparing. Just go!"
Troop Leader: "Just go."

Yogurt: "Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all?"

President Skroob: "Ah, Planet Druidia. And ten thousand years of fresh air."
Dark Helmet: "The way he runs things it won't last a hundred."

Lone Star: "At last we meet, for the first time for the last time."

Barf: "I'm a Mog. Half man-half dog. I'm my own best friend."

Lone Star: "We're not just doing this for money. We're doing it for a sh**load of money!"

Dark Helmet: "Colonel Sandurz. May I speak with you please."
Colonel Sandurz: "Yes sir."
Dark Helmet: "How could there be a cassette of Spaceballs the Movie? We're still in the middle of making it!"
Sandurz: "That's true sir. But there's been a new breakthrough in home video market.
Dark Helmet: "There has?"
Sandurz: "Yes. Instant cassettes- there out in stores before the movie is finished."
Dark Helmet: "Ahh." Video Operator: "Here it is sir. Spaceballs!"

Soldier: "No, no, no, no, no, please, please, please, no, no, no, not that!"
Dark Helmet: "Yes. That."

Dark Helmet: "What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?"
Colonel Sandurz: "Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that is happening now is happening now."
Dark Helmet: "What happened to then?"
Colonel Sandurz: "We passed it."
Dark Helmet: "When?"
Colonel Sandurz: "Just now. We're at now, now."
Dark Helmet: "Go back to then!"
Colonel Sandurz: "When?"
Dark Helmet: "Now!"
Colonel Sandurz: "Now?"
Dark Helmet: "Now!"
Colonel Sandurz: "We can't!"
Dark Helmet: "Why?"
Colonel Sandurz: "We missed it."
Dark Helmet: "When?"
Colonel Sandurz: "Just now."
Dark Helmet: "When will then be now?"
Colonel Sandurz: "Soon."
Dark Helmet: "How soon?"
Technician: "Sir!"
Dark Helmet: "What?!"
Tech: "We've identified their location!"
Dark Helmet: "Where?!"
Tech: "It's the moon of Vega."
Colonel Sandurz: "Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival!"
Dark Helmet: "When?!"
Tech: "Nineteen hundred hours, sir!"
Colonel Sandurz: "By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners!"
Dark Helmet: "WHO??!!" [Face mask falls in front of face]

Dark Helmet: "Out of order? Fu**! Even in the future nothing works!"

Dark Helmet: "I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately."
Aide: "I already called him sir. He knows everything."
Dark Helmet: "What? You went over my helmet?"
Aide: "Well not exactly over, sir. Uh, m-more to the side."

Lonestar & Barf: "Pizza the Hut!"
Pizza the Hut : "Well if it isn't Lonestar and his sidekick Puke."
Barf: "That's Barf."

Yogurt: "Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!"

Radar Technician: "I'm having trouble with the radar sir."
Dark Helmet: "What's wrong with it?"
Technician: "I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps."
Dark Helmet: "The what?"
Colonel Sandurz: "The what?"
Dark Helmet: "And the what?"
Technician: "You know, the bleeps [makes bleep noise], the sweeps [sweep noise] and the creeps [creep noise]."
Dark Helmet: "That's not all he's lost."

Yogurt: "Huch huch hudit mu much much m huc huch."
Lone Star: "You can read?"
Yogurt: "No, I was just clearing my throat!"

Dark Helmet: "The ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof. What's with you man? C'mon!"

Dark Helmet: "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate." *
Lone Star: "What's that make us?"
Dark Helmet: "Absolutely nothing, which is what you are about to become."

Dark Helmet: "And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine."

Yogurt Doll: "May the Schwartz be with you."

Dark Helmet: "Ludicrous speed ... Go!"

Commander: "You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!"

Dark Helmet, President Skroob, and Colonel Sandurz: "Suck ... suck ... suck!"

Colonel Sandurz: "It's MegaMaid. She's gone from suck to blow."

Dark Helmet: "Sh**. I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted!"

Lone Star: "You know something Princess? You are ugly when you're angry."

Prison Guard 1: "Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!"
Prison Guard 2: "And beat the sh** out of us too!" [sound of lasers charging]

Dark Helmet: "Now, commence operation 'VacuSuck.'"

Dot Matrix: "That, was my virgin alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do."

Lone Star: "What the hell was that? ... Space Ball One."
Barf: "They've gone to plaid!"

Princess Vespa: "Yogurt the Wise!"
Dot Matrix: "Yogurt the All-Powerful!"
Barf: "Yogurt the Magnificent! "
Yogurt: "Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain yogurt."